NFL Bids Adieu to Louisiana Football Players
In a widely anticipated move, the NFL released a statement Sunday banning all Louisiana football players, citing their Frenchness.
New Orleans, though great for Super Bowls and hookers, has what’s called “The French Quarter,” and thus, French speaking citizens. Per the statement, the NFL fears that those French speaking citizens have already permeated throughout Louisiana and may have infiltrated NFL teams across the country. Souring minds with their love of smelly cheeses and preference for wine over Bud Light, the French are seen as a threat to the sanctity of NFL manliness. When asked to explain the league’s viewpoint, Commissioner Roger Goodell confessed:
“I don’t want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment. I’m old-school. I’m a man and a woman type of guy.” When asked what he meant by the man and woman comment, Goodell clarified that, “The French have never won a war and are all sissy girls.”
Many are angered by the decision, calling it at best “unfair,” and at worst, “bullshit.” Not the least of those are the Manning brothers, who will be forced into early retirement along with every other player born in The Pelican State. Peyton, though, did reluctantly admit the need for the rule, citing his love of Bud Light. But what about others who would have never been able to play in the NFL; who wants to look back at an NFL history without greats like Terry Bradshaw or Marshall Faulk? Of course, the league was quick to point out in its statement that, had it made the move sooner, we all would have been spared Jake Delhomme.
Still others support the NFL’s decision. One NFL player personnel assistant, speaking on the condition of anonymity, admitted, “I don’t think the NFL is ready for [a French player] just yet. In the coming decade or two, it’s going to be acceptable, but at this point in time it’s still a man’s man’s game. To call somebody a [French slur, like Frenchie McBaguette-Head] is still so commonplace. It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.”
One assistant coach cited a lack of maturity as the reason he supports the decision. “There are guys in the locker room that maturity-wise cannot handle it or deal with the thought of that. There’s nothing more sensitive than the heartbeat of the locker room. If you knowingly bring someone in there with that [French background], how are the other guys going to deal with it? It’s going to be a big distraction. That’s the reality. It shouldn’t be, but it will be.”
Much to the league’s relief, NFL prospect Michael Sam also chose Sunday to come out as gay, overshadowing the NFL’s ban of Louisianans. Of course, once the league confirmed that he wasn’t from Louisiana, they were fine with it, since gay people are no different than straight people.